So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
