she woke up with a sticky ear
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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