Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
