he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Your cock deserves a montage
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
