whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
