please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
