I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
