note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
