do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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