I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
