k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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