Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
