i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This is the high leading the old right now
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
