it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
