considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
