Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
