did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
