after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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