Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
