also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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