Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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