You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
