You're completely useless in the revolution.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
