Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
