U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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