The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dignity is for republicans.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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