I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
