EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
