I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
