I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
