I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
