also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
