3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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