Your face is a jimmy john
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
sarcasm needs its own font
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
