I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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