Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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