false alarm. still invincible.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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