I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
