He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
