They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let's get the cat blown out
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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