Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
