That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
