Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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