there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
