My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I smell stomach acid.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
