i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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