My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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