I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
