Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found the puke drawer
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
