Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
